New Mexico

We interrupt a very hetero-normative wedding reception. I’m with 2 very handsome looking bois. I thought I wore an appropriate black cocktail dress, but I could be wrong. Everyone is staring and I wonder, do they know? How? I knew I should have worn the pumps. I don’t know anyone there except the bride and she’s undoubtedly preoccupied.
I need some champagne, desperately. My awareness grows and I can feel eyes on me, minds birthing judgments- ones they probably didn’t even know they had. Uncomfortable and entertained all at once, I just want to go back to our room and have an orgy.

A few polite hellos and introductions here and there and soon an attractive older woman in a slinky red number with matching lipstick is giving me looks. Maybe she can join our fun later upstairs. Her husband thinks one of my bois is indeed a real boy. Amazed at this striking youth’s good looks, he makes polite small talk. I squirm a bit because if he’s anything like the great majority of the population it wont be too long before he is done interrogating said boy about his hometown and career and move on to me.

I care because of the story factor. On day-5 of my lifestyle change I met a domme who told me sternly, “get a story, make it as humdrum or exciting as you like but stick to it.” Some years later, I still don’t have one. It’s not that I’m bad at lying. This profession has only refined my skills of charisma, charm and seduction. But those words are just a fancy way of saying manipulating and since my mother was the queen of it I did develop an attraction to embellishment. This presents an obstacle because for me the thrill in it dies when your story is a downplay of reality. It’s a little counter-intuitive for me. I know it’s survival but the truth is that the actual truth much much sexier than accounting, though I once had a great time with an accountant who turned out to be a closet-kink.
I must learn humility.
My default story is that I am a massage therapist but this presents a problem because they usually want to schedule a massage immediately. It’s typically not just “can I get a business card or your info,” but rather “do you have any openings say Wednesday morning?” People often comment that I could just give them a massage. I am after all trained. But strange as it may sound, I don’t want to give a legit massage. It’s just not what I do.

This time I was saved by the Wedding March. Ms. Older Lady in Red is still glancing over every now and then and I realize that I’m mistaken. That sparkle in her eye is really the look of abhorrence. She knows the bois I’m with are really women; she is smarter than her husband. She knows we’re all women and can see I’m so completely comfortable with them that I keep touching both of them, leaning over and whispering. She can only speculate at what’s going on but she knows that whoever we are, to her we are an abomination. I’m so turned on. Where is the champagne?

I don’t want to cause a scene or embarrass anyone by intentionally provoking Ms. Nasty to come over and say something to us. I’m trying to be couth and respect my friend’s wedding. Although, it’s a real shame she turned out to be so shrewd and conservative, the combination of an older woman in that exact shade of prostitute-red was really a turn on.

Hetero-normative, contemporary weddings = strange.

Words on Generosity

Leaving the bed:  This morning I had an 11:30am. I couldn’t pull myself out of bed, hitting the snooze for about an hour.

Money. It can be motivating. Or it can be the kind of thing that leaves you as quickly as it came.

The Client I was to see: A high profile artist whom I will call Samuel. He is a regular that I’ve been seeing for over a year. This man is accomplished in his career. He is respected and admired within a large network of communities. His work is well known and he is considered a pioneer and revolutionary of his genre.
Within the year that I’ve known him he been inclusive of me in his work, meaning I get invitations to various galleries and networking functions (which I usually go to for the champagne). He always brings me gifts; some related to work but usually something thoughtful and personal that he thought up from a previous conversation or email. He has lent me money and paid me for our bi-weekly session during a time I wasn’t working. He insisted I take the money anyway so I didn’t get behind on bills and I would just owe him the session. Furthermore, he expresses a genuine interest in my career as a Sex Worker or other projects I’m involved in and has offered help or assistance in some form in the past.

Gifts, Moet & other goodies what’s not to like, right? There is a nice bottle of Champagne and a surprise gift waiting for me. Where is my motivation?  I forgot to mention one major detail about Mr. Samuel. He is Boring with a capital B. A snooze fest. Beyond dullness. Past dull & back to boring. I’d rather stick my head in a bucket of ice. Yes, that bad. He’s lived and seen so many interesting things yet has nothing interesting to say?! How?! Why?! The champagne barely makes it worth it because I have to get tipsy to get through this session. I make to do lists in my mind while he talks and I smile. I’ve learned to tell by the influx of his voice when it’s time for me to respond. I squint my eyes slightly and look up as if I’m searching for the right words. I always have something clever to say. I mean, by contrast Anyone is clever. Additionally he loves long sessions. I’m talking 2-4 sometimes 6 hours long. And then there’s the needy factor. Usually my deal breaker. I have a low tolerance for needy. This time around I excused myself to get water but in actuality I was taking a shot of vodka to keep my waning buzz alive. Anyone watching from the outside would surely think I continue seeing this man because he’s super generous. Why else would someone do this? Come to think of it, I also have a low tolerance for boring people. This is definitely not easy money. Not for me and I promise you not for the average Jane. So about that Generous thing… yes, I guess you could say he is generous I mean gifts and such right? But if that’s your definition of generosity, you need to rethink your standards. You know, he’s not the only man giving nice gifts to young ladies in order to win their favor. It also isn’t unheard of in this industry that a client would buy a provider anything from lingerie to cell phones to a house. Yes a house, it happens. Me, I’m not greedy I really just want a car. This might be difficult for some to grasp but in reality he is Cheap. Cheap in a way that only wealthy white men know how to be. False generosity. Someone should come up with a good phrase for this concept because its not restricted to the dynamics of Wealthy Man- Sexy Woman. Am I to swoon at an unimpressive man whose work I personally find over-rated and laugh at un-laughable and oftentimes offensive jokes? Should I feel special, privileged to be this man’s lady of the moment… he’s been with quite a few legends or so I’m told (snore). I should be grateful. But I’m not.

Everyone has their price. Oh yes you do.
When you really break it down it’s like this: Long sessions are draining, mentally and physically. Especially if the client is boring and offensive. Most of the time, they’re only offensive. It is generally understood that if a client books a multiple hour session they get some sort of discount. You just don’t multiply your hourly rate by the amount of hours he wants to spend with you. It’s just not lady like. So by spending an extended amount of time with client A I lose the opportunity to see client B, C, D and possibly E, which will all pay the full rate. Not to mention, since I’m considered established, there is a good chance they will tip and bring some sort of gift of their own. So now I’m thinking I’M the one being generous and actually I’m gonna need better incentives to keep my interest. Wait, my interest is long gone. I need to re-evaluate or demand some additional compensation to keep me in your favor. After all I can’t keep extending this kind of generosity indefinitely. Not with all these points on your record.

It makes me think of those companies that employ single mothers, people of color and anyone who knows they cant do better because they have no college degree. You know who I’m talking about. Customer service jobs at Sprint or AT&T and the like. Anyone whose ever worked for an airline or in the tourism industry- hotels, theme parks etc. knows what I mean. These companies are not poor. They can afford to pay their employees better and the people at the top don’t even have to sell their second home. They give you a little prestige, perhaps a title or an award and now you’re convinced you’ve got a sweet deal. You don’t ask for a raise because you’re already making more money than you could with your “lack of skills or credentials.” This job treats you right and the pay is say the magic word: Generous. But you should ask for more. You deserve more and they can easily afford to pay you more. An extra 50 to 100 bucks on your paycheck wont hurt the company budget but can definitely help you out with a bill or transportation fees or groceries. But they will give you a hard time about it and clutch onto those miserable 50bucks because they are greedy. Because they know they are being greedy and so they will try to convince you and themselves that they are your salvation. Sometimes the guilt eats away at them and they turn you into their charity. ‘You’ their employee who they should be compensating accordingly are now the lucky one whom they are creating ‘opportunities’ for. Serving communities, providing Scholarships and creating Foundations for their ‘Family.’ But they’re even bad at that because you have to jump through hoops, put up with the bureaucracy and sign your soul over to get things the company could already afford to give you. Because in all reality, when you have the perspective you can clearly see that it’s really hard for them because they are cheap. Greedy and Cheap. Cheap in a way only the wealthy know how to be. In a way that seduces you into believing that they are actually being generous. That you should be grateful because no one else is gonna treat you like this.

“So pucker up cupcake because even though I blow an extra 200 dollars a week on nothing I’m gonna make you feel like the 30 miserable dollars I spent on champagne was really something. And those gifts I give you that I can easily write off to my business, well what d’ya think about that honey.”
Like I said, false generosity. Just like Sammy.

The reasons I keep seeing him are, of course more complicated than I can explain.

High Horses & Invisibility

I am just another working girl who creates fantasies for a living. I’m both the girl who’s been robbed in public because someone thought I was a small and easy enough target & the lady who gets her legs worshiped regularly. The whole leg, by the way… from the tip of my sparkling pink toes to the enticing curves of my ass. If they’re lucky, they get to remove my stockings and massage my feet. When my clients share that their colleagues or associates frown upon their “hobby,” I tell them it’s probably because they haven’t had a visit with me yet. “Do make sure you give them my number and tell them to give me a call.”

I have a tendency to take things too seriously. “What will I write about? What kind of message am I sending out? Am I doing anyone an injustice? Is this somehow fucked up? Can I really hold myself accountable?” The last thing I want is for others to interpret it as self-importance. Political, passionate and argumentative… yes, I am. But in the end I am a light hearted individual who loves to laugh, loves easily and knows we can all grow and learn a bit more (well, some more than others).

It’s like this: So many of my identities (queer, of color, woman) make me invisible to society at large. In addition to becoming angered by it, I become humbled. It cultivates awareness and I realize how important it is to speak your truth, to be heard & acknowledged. Then there’s Sex Work. My business depends on my anonymity and discretion; pseudonyms, screening clients, operating systems that minimize visibility or foot traffic – I practice invisibility. I can’t tell my family and I choose not to tell acquaintances or friendly people making small talk who want to know “where did you grow up, what do you do?” More invisibility.

On the other hand, a large part of my job is to be both memorable and believable, to create a fantasy. Who will I be when I have center stage, when I walk into the room and I am anything but invisible. Something new happens, I open my mouth and my client attentively listens. I interrupt and don’t apologize. I command attention. I love creating, role-playing and sometimes my personas become larger than life types. The difference between my sex worker identity and my so called real identity is that as Jezebel I choose the moments in which I will be the shadow in the street you never notice and the stunning vision in your bedroom that you cant ignore. My identity as a member of society is not so lucky. There are both highs and lows to being in the evolutionary state that exists between sessions. But the transition often serves as a reminder of this intricate labyrinth that some how offers so much clarity.

I leave a session and get on a bus in a busy area. Everyone around me is coming and going. If you look around, you don’t know who they are or where they just came from. This excites me. I’m dressed in my civilian attire and no one can see the thigh-highs, garter belt or corset. No one knows I have a strap-on & 500$ in my purse and what I just did to get it. No one knows who I am and where I just came from. I am leaving my Sex Worker identity and coming into my “real” one. Except my real identity never left me while I was in session and my Sex Worker one refuses to leave me on that bus as she soaks up everything around her. I am two people at once and I realize that I was always like this. Always learning how to wear a new layer of myself. This particular layer is definitely a dynamic one and amid the extremes and the times in between I have to learn that the whole thing is me. Simple, complex and contradicting at times; I have to navigate this in silence, invisible as well as in those rare moments when I do have the mic. When it is necessary to ride that horse and not be silent. It is in those moments, when I believe someone is listening that I stand on the podium tall as I can and make sure that my message is strident & unmistakable. I may get very few chances in this lifetime to shed a layer of invisibility and flash the world with my goods. It is in these moments that become so crucial for me to interrupt, raise my voice and harness a confidence so powerful it is easily mistaken for arrogance, that many resign to perceive people of color, women and “dykes” as simply angry. Never bothering to see the connection between high horses and invisibility.

Xo
~Jezebel Everything

Prelude…

Finally, I have a blog.

Introducing Jezebel Standing-a glimpse into the life and mind of a Sex Worker. Hopefully I can offer some much needed perspective, cause I know what you’re thinking… Prostitutes!?
What I mean is: while you may jump to images of women that are trafficked and pimped that stereotype is not accurate of all sex workers. In fact approaching the subject with that kind of mentality does a disservice to everyone. I know some will argue that circumstances do force women (and men) into this profession, but doesn’t circumstance also force people to work at Burger King? For most it may be difficult to understand the circumstances that lead to women being trafficked or pimped and they may confuse things like kidnapping child abuse and exploitation with sex work. Yes there is an intersection but we have to examine cause and effect. Maybe seeing an underrepresented image of a working girl-one where she chooses this profession, or lifestyle if you will- can help to put into perspective all those negative images we’re consistently bombarded with. Unfortunately those negative things are a product of poverty. Desperation breeds violence and oppression and women become targets. Loving someone for money never caused the worlds woes, but you already knew that, didnt you. You’re so smart.

However, I must state (and will probably state repeatedly) that I am just one voice. The spectrum of sex work is vast. Did I say Vast? Yes, i did. Hard to homogenize the experience, though I do believe HBO is gonna try. Dont believe what you read in the paper or what you think you know about “prostitutes.” But I do encourage you to try it. Common’ live a little. On second thought, sexwork is definitely not for everyone.

About me- I’m in my 20s and being a sex worker is just one of my identities (kinda like a super heroine). Like many, my life is oftentimes hectic, demanding and complex. But overall it is Fabulous! Which is why I’m gonna share it with you. Another thing you should know about me, I am really really bad at correspondence. So expect some delays. I will try address any issues I am contacted about. But, I wont write anything about the ins and outs of this biz or anything that could potentially aid in a sting or arrest of other sex workers. So dont ask.

XoXo

Jezebel Everything